THIS IS SO INTENSE.
I don’t know if you understand how intense it is.
I’m living at my parent’s house again. I’m simultaneously in therapy. I’m “having those conversations.” I’m not backing down. Instead of running from fear, i’m bucking up. I’m facing every single fucking one. Every single tremor is noted, each time my soul shakes – it is not ignored.
sidenote: this hurts. This hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts. THIS HURTS. This is confusing, and lonely, and nothing that you would choose on your own. This is uncomfortable phrases, and honest communication, and honest miscommunications. This is all of that – entered. Fought. Lost. And won.
I’m making mistakes. One of the last things I wrote on my blog was that I wanted to live fully and make big, glorious mistakes. Why the fuck would I write that? It’s probably the dumbest most honest thing i’ve ever asked for and i’m trying not to hate myself for it.
i’m making some pretty big mistakes right now. Not on purpose – i’m not that arrogant. It’s just that when i was growing up i wasn’t allowed to. There was no grace, no room for life.
now. I cannot give m yself much. That part i still fail at in many areas. But i have been able to give myself grace for the mistakes i’ve made in the past few weeks. There have been moments of receiving it from others as well; this gift – it cannot be compared, it encompasses all that i want.
Honesty. Fear. And Trust. Have been my words recently. And the links between them have filled my thoughts. I’m done hiding. I can’t do it anymore (that’s the honesty part). For so long I’ve hidden pieces of myself to keep others happy. I relate to them [people] out of places that will keep them happy. But really, that is only a piece of me [brought to life] so conversely, what i am really relating to them out of is many pieces put to death.
and that’s just not helpful to anyone. It’s not.
it also comes from places of deep fear. Because being yourself – especially when you roll with two entirely different crowds as i often tend to – can be incredibly lonely. You realize you are not fully one or the other. But in those places you put to death your other self in order to appear as fully one.
I CANT DO IT ANYMOREEEEE. I can’t. and while this realization could lead to good, whole, awakened me relating to others, it also just makes me want to run away from the situations in which i would have to adjust.
i’m not afraid of that loneliness anymore. Sure it’ll hurt. Sure – i might lose friends, respect. But i don’t really care.
and lastly. I want to know full, unwavering trust. I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what a life in it feels like. Whether it’s trust in the universe, in god, in gods, in myself, in my community – WHATEVER. I want to know. Whenever i imagine it, it feels like the first breath of cool fall air rushing through your veins and re-awakening every lethargic piece that fell asleep in the heat of summer. That’s what i want my life to feel like.
fluid, alive, refreshing, trusting, release.
a breath.
what might have been lost 